We don’t often talk about anything negative that has happened to us and I think that’s a shame. Sharing our experiences is comforting. It often validates our own experience and unites us knowing that we are not alone. To learn from my past, I have been working with a kinesiologist for about two years now. In December 2020, after leaving a job that lead me to feeling every symptom of a nervous breakdown, symptoms that were exacerbated by COVID, I then worked for an employer whose wife was a bully, and I needed help to recover both my self worth and to try to feel happy again.

I couldn’t see myself going on, not suicidal by any means, but I didn’t have hope and couldn’t feel joy, about anything. I didn’t like myself, had the worst self talk, and felt like a shell of a human. I couldn’t smile unless I was faking it, make eye contact, and when alone all I’d do is cry. Apart from the dullness behind my eyes, from the outside you would have never known because the facade was one of the usual bubbly Ange. This kinesiologist is a bit ‘coo coo’ if you will, he sees auras, he’s not a psychic but more intuitive, he could see what I was feeling and he was spot on. He is my saviour. Without his help, encouragement to repeat the positive affirmations he’d set for me and doing a lot of energy work to realign myself, he bought me back to life. Well actually I bought myself back to life but he provided the tools and guidance, so I guess he was more like Yoda.

Yoda has done a lot of work on relationships with me. Not just in a romantic sense, but relationships of all types. The one with myself, with family, friends and the often unhealthy one when it comes to work. In the past I’ve always been a people pleaser, often at my expense. I rarely, if ever, spoke my mind or if it required an honesty that could be detrimental to the continuation of the relationship. I took on everyone else’s problems and didn’t share when I was struggling and needed help. Apart from my family and some close friends, relationships were often one sided. Some people took whatever they needed emotionally from me at the time and I willingly gave it. Receiving anything of value felt uncomfortable.

Working with Yoda, has helped me see how damaging these one sided relationships are to your self worth and general happiness. He helped me realise that boundaries are required to protect who is most important, you. He gave me the courage to allow myself to set them with people and situations I felt were draining my energy. He reassured me that those who respect the boundary will continue to be in my life, and those who don’t I am better off without. It’s apparent to me now that since August 2021, my journey has been about transformation, healing the inner me that I didn’t know was broken and readying me for the future I am about to launch myself into. He encouraged me to lay the ground rules for how I wish to be treated in the future, to build the inner strength I'd lost, regain my self worth and realise that I have my own back at all times even if others don’t. I now know that as long as I have myself I will be ok, I have everything I need in me to ensure my success, happiness and abundance.

As I write this, I am four days and 9 hours away from relocating my life to Italy for the next 12 months. I had a top up kinesiology session this morning to clear any residual negativity from my body before I move on Tuesday. I walked in feeling more ‘myself’ than I ever have before but throughout the session it was pretty clear I still have some work to do. Whilst I now believe I am worthy, I am beautiful (sounds a bit conceited but it really is important to believe this), I have my own back and a lot of 'issues' have healed, I am still holding on to certain experiences that my body doesn’t want to let go of. Is that because of fear? Uncertainty? Trust? Basically all those things in my case. Mostly what these sessions make me realise is that you are always evolving. There is work to do daily on making yourself a better you, and for me at the crux of it all is for me to let go of guilt and the belief that I ‘have to’ live my life in a certain way according to other peoples expectations. The purpose of life is to live it with joy according to your own rules. I am slowly but surely realising this, and trying to actively embody it.

To others, the next 12 months is exciting and whilst that is definitely the case, leaving family and friends for such a long time has me feeling more than a little guilty. Expectations are instilled in us from a very young age, and feeling like you are disappointing those we love never sits well. Today’s session worked on releasing that guilt, letting go of the need to fix situations and reaffirming that I am coming into my own power with this move. Reflection afterwards has made me realise that chasing a future you desperately crave is brave. It’s a gift to be able to take a leap of faith toward the unknown. It’s exciting yet terrifying at the same time. I have an unexplainable sense of trust in the Universe that whatever is meant for me in the coming months will make its way to me (hopefully that isn’t homelessness and needing to start an OnlyFans account for my feet - as much as I joke about this I do hope I don’t resort to that).

This morning's session also highlighted something that hasn’t come up before, that my heart has finally healed and that I am open to the possibility of romantic love should he present himself. Being single for 9 years hasn't bothered me as much as others seem to think it should. My last relationship, when I was 30, utterly destroyed my self worth. My appearance, weight and all aspects that made me 'me' were picked upon daily and over a period of 18 months I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s taken 9 years to build that back up. In the end it’s all been worth it and the man I meet who is meant to be my partner will reap the benefits of the work I’ve put in. I am a much stronger person now.

I expect the next four days to be filled with reflection, it seems only natural that this be the case when such a major life change is looming. What am I hoping for out of this new start? I am hoping to understand my heritage more, to find unknown links to my family and to walk in the places my Nonno and Nonna grew up. I am hoping for new connections, new friendships and I am envisaging how my future will look with fresh eyes. I am hoping for a slower pace of living, for fresh produce with taste and for the opportunity to tap into my creativity through writing.

What I know I will experience is beauty, in art, architecture and a language that I feel connected to even though I don’t yet know everything people are saying. I know I will be challenged by the unknown. I know that I will be living frugally but there is joy to be found in living within one's means. I know that I will be terribly homesick for a few months but I know that my family and friends are only a phone call away - but to check the time difference before calling. And ultimately, I know that I am strong, resilient and deserving to live the next twelve months as I want.